Occupy What?

Occupy Wall Street needs to take a page from the book of "soft bigotry". That is to say, make small, lighthearted, but symbolic demands, and achieve them!

Demand #1: Construct a bear statue to faire face to the Wall Street Bull. It's preposterous that we do not pay our dues to the creative destruction (bubbles, recession, etc) at the heart of the capitalist system. Give the Bear his due! Only by appeasing the beast may we avoid his wrath, and giving the Wall Street suits a daily reminder of the dark side could have a positive effect.

Demand #2: Men must pee sitting down. It's the most elemental sign of modern western man's hubris that he thinks he can hit a 40 square inch patch of water sitting two feet below his business. This would save countless dollars in unnecessary bathroom cleaning (it would be fun to count) and would serve to promote gender equality. This requirement clearly would not apply to urinals or the outdoors. Japanese men have apparently already begun to see the light.

Where There's Smoke There's a Conflagration

Herman Cain called a press conference today where he apologized to his wife, his victims, and finally, the American People, for wasting their time. Oh wait, no he didn't. The Cain Wreck will drag on for several more months. By the end of it, we will all know that he has no solutions, no knowledge of policy, no integrity, and certainly no humility. But that's alright, at least he'll still be number one in Herman Cain's world.